10 Lies I Tell My Kids: Sorry I’m Not Sorry

June 16, 2019Autumn

So here’s the thing about me and my parenting style… I do what I want! I am not the perfect mom but who is? I am not the perfect Pinterest mommy either and most nights end with a glass a wine because of all the crazy, but I’ll tell you another thing and that is my kids are loved dearly even if sometimes they are annoying.

Growing up I can remember the countless lies my mom told me out of love, protection and because she felt like it. Which made me think of all the ridiculous lies I tell my kids for whatever reason and so I’ve compiled this short and simple list of the funny lies I tell to protect my kids, to get them out of my hair or to make myself laugh.

1. Santa is real

Santa is real in this house because I believe in the magic and innocence of telling this lie. We love to celebrate the holidays with visit’s to Macy’s Santa Land and leaving cookies out for Santa. One day my children will know that Santa isn’t real and that mommy and daddy did it all, but the look of wonder and surprise won’t stop me from telling this lie. We do a mix of mommy and daddy gifts but include Santa in the day as well and no harm is done

2. Not Brushing your teeth will bring bugs (like the grinch’s teeth) 

I know I’m dragging it but I really don’t care! I tell them if you don’t brush 2x a day then you’ll get bugs in your teeth and you know what… they brush their damn teeth.

3. If you turn on the backlight in the car the  cops will pull us over

My mom told me this lie and all I’m saying is, I have to keep the tradition going on this one. It is totally not the truth and the police will not pull you over for it, but I get annoyed with that little light. And I cannot tell you how many times, they left the damn light on overnight so we will keep it until they are adults and figure it out themselves.

4. McDonald’s is closed on _________ (insert random day here)

Because I’m not buying another happy meal, kids meal, kid-sized meal today! Parents know this lie all too well, we are thankful for Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Chick -Fil – A and all that jazz most days when we don’t want to cook another meal or when we want them to stay quiet in the car. But sometimes/most times we are going to eat this homecooked meal with veggies that you better try (but probably won’t eat) so I see no problem in telling this little white lie time and time again.

5. Wifi doesn’t work past 8 pm

Like millions of other millennial moms, my kids love wifi and most importantly youtube kids (eye roll here). They each have an iPad of their own and love to watch other kids on youtube doing reviews and unboxing stuff- which by the way is really weird. The bedtime around here is 8:30 pm so 8 is when the “wifi stops working” so there’s no more screen time after that. We do this on the weekend and the weekdays because that’s what works for us and I’m sure when they get hip to it, it won’t last much longer but at 4 and 7 I’m gonna keep it up as long as I can.

6. NYE countdown is at 8:59 pm

There’s really no reason to explain this one, my son can tell time but he still believes whatever I tell him so the new year rings in at 9:00 pm. My daughter can’t tell time at only 4 years old and we haven’t had anyone tell them the jig is up yet so I’m sticking to it. My husband and I are very low key so we spend NYE in the house with a few drinks and a kiss when the ball drops so we like that time alone. I also don’t want to deal with cranky kids in the morning the next day so off to sleep you go, buddy.

7. If you lie you’ll get bumps on your tongue

Ever heard of lie bumps? Well, when I was younger my mom always told me that the little bumps on my tongue were from telling too many lies. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I discovered those little bumps are actually Transient Lingual Papillitis and they are NOT caused by lying (thanks mom). However, I do know the pain from these little tiny bumps so I tell my kids the same thing. HA! I am turning into my mother… I want the kids to tell the truth all the time or at least tell me the truth all the time so I use this one as well.

8. If you don’t read your brain will turn into banana mush

This one is actually kind of true it’s a lie though because my kids really think their brains will be squished up and mashed like bananas and the thought is actually very funny. We are a household with hundreds of children’s books so there is no way they can’t find a book to read when we have our winding down time. I truly believe that reading is the greatest pass time there ever was, books can light up the imagination and fuel your mind so I have not the slightest bit of guilt telling this lie.


9. If you eat watermelon seeds it’ll grow in your belly 

OK, so this one comes with a bit of a story. When I was much younger my brother and I were watching a tv show on PBS more than likely and I can swear I remember one of the characters saying that if you ate a watermelon seed that it would grow in your belly. I know this isn’t true but it was so funny to me as a kid. My brother and I would purposely eat the black seeds so that we could grow watermelons inside. Obviously, that never happened but I told my babies this same little lie because 1. it’s funny and 2. they really believe it. If anyone knows the name of this show or episode it comes from, please leave a comment and let me know!

10. There are no veggies in this dish

I am the queen of hiding veggies. I especially love hiding it in pasta or burgers, because those are their favorites. The pasta and sauce cover the vegetables up so the carrots and mushrooms aren’t noticed. The pureed veggies in the ground turkey are practically unnoticed so I’m a smooth-talking mama who doesn’t need to fight every night to get crazy kids to eat veggies. Sometimes I care about their veggie intake and sometimes I don’t but there are veggies every night because I myself am a vegetarian so I try to find creative ways to sneak them in. I’ll tell this lie as long as I can because I can.

What are some little white lies you tell your kids? Or maybe they are big lies? Drop me a line and let me know!

10 Lies I Tell My Children to Preserve Their Innocence or my Peace of Mind

Comments (6)

  • manda

    May 16, 2018 at 8:45 AM

    These made me laugh! I use the no veggie one daily!! I use my food processor to grind stuff up so you can’t find the chunks of veggies!

    1. Autumn

      May 16, 2018 at 2:50 PM

      That’s the best way to do it.

  • Honestly Holly

    May 16, 2018 at 9:38 AM

    I was always told that if you lie, you grow spots on your tongue, and if you eat apple seeds a tree will grow from your belly!

    1. Autumn

      May 16, 2018 at 2:51 PM

      HA! Passing down the lies for generations!

  • Kathy Stowell

    May 16, 2018 at 12:07 PM

    SO funny! I’m such a liar too. Every silly question they ask I say it’s because of Fairies. And the Grinch teeth shot – ewwwwww!!!!

    1. Autumn

      May 16, 2018 at 2:49 PM

      That fairy idea is really cute. My kids think I have a magic wand also. LOL

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